I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
