you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
