Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
