i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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