I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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