WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I could make wine with my vomit
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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