Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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