So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
