The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
