my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
