I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
