I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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