piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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