I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
