You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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