Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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