And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
