i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
