I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
