If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
