i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
