His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
