apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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