Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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