btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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