On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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