i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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