we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
