I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
