My underwear smells like fireworks.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
