He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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