Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
