I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
