At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
