either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
