I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
