Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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