Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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