Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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