he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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