I wish I only lived at night.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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