Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
