Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
