I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
