i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
