It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
