oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
