you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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