i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
