Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
