if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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