if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
