i just google imaged poop.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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